Hi there, remember me? I used to blog here a while ago.
Spring has arrived in it’s questionable glory. When my sisters in the mid and southern parts of Sweden tells me about all the flowers, the warm weather and the first dip of the year. Unfortunately our spring is a bit more modest and today it included both pea size hail and snow. But there is a lot of green and I think the last snow piles gave up and died a few days ago.
Today we moved from a home office to a very real and very nice office down in the city. Me and (ex) hubby work together but now we get to share an office with another company and get to meet actual other grownups every day! And besides from being adult they also seems really nice and fun people to be around.
This is also releasing a lot of space at home. Two officespaces, my was taking up half of our bedroom and my partner had his own room that only was functioning as an office. I will probably declutter my space and make it more easy to start painting. I haven’t met any creativity in a really long while. But maybe if I made it more accable.
I am sorry I have been so invisible both here and in other places. It is really fun to have an inspiring job with tons of work to do but a full time job, three small kids and a couple of organisations that needs time takes up all of my time right now.
Now and then I hear people saying that churches in Sweden always is affirming towards GLBT-people. That is not at all true. Many churches welcome G:s and L:s if they live in celibacy and B:s if they marry and just ignore the T:s.
Today me and Noa got a mail from a woman who saw us on TV. I think I will grow tired of saying that in a year or so - have patience with me. Well; the writer is pentecostal and have a sister called Sara Em who is lesbian and the writer was very supportive of both us and her sister. She sent me a link to Sara’s newly released debut single “Include Me”. It’s about her struggle to be included as a lesbian in the church. Listen to it and realize you have to buy it on iTunes!
Read more on her homepage where there are some links to Swedish media appearances.
This weekend a lesbian woman got baptized in a congregation from the same denomination that our old church were we weren’t welcome as members if I outed myself.
Here is a link to the whole Sunday service and in the beginning she talks about how she felt a need to end her nine year long relationship to her partner to get to know God. The clip is in English translated to Swedish. The pastor starts out talking for a minute or so. Then Sasha starts to talk and gets really emotional. I really hope she finds God in the special way she think she will by ending the relationship with her loved one. But I do doubt it. I have heard the same story to many times.
For me it seems strange that a loving God would be happier this way. But for me most things seems strange these days.
I might be in the most beautiful place on earth right now. I have forgotten my camera but if I and you are lucky my parents remembered to bring it.
It is a beautiful countryside B&B or more like a mansion on the shore of one of the bigger and more beautiful rivers in Sweden. Me and one of sisters and our families will stay here for two days.
Tomorrow is the funeral for my grandfather and I will meet all my cousins on my mothers side for the first time in many years. It will be the first bigger family event I attend to as myself post transition. It feels really good. It is about time we get to know each other this way. I have great cousins.
Well. That is all for me tonight. My body is punishing me for my eight hour drive I just did.
I am writing this in as I sit in waiting room at the Swedish National Board of Health. I am meeting with their Legal Council today. Waiting room is maybe to nice a name for this. It is the xerox room with some chairs in. A rather small room. The chairs are nice but the xerox machine is huge, makes a lot of noise and it is probably 90° in here.
I drove down from the northern parts of Sweden to the capitol Stockholm two days ago. It is close to 400 miles to drive here. Will drive up again tomorrow.
I came to this meeting an hour ago. First I got to meet dr Andersson who will present my case to the Legal Council. Now I have to wait for them to get to my case.
I am here because I have applied for:
* A legal sex change in the government database
* A name that fits my gender
* Castration
* SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery)
In Sweden all citizens are registered in a national database at our Skatteverket (IRS). Every citizen has a number called personnummer (person number). It begins with the birth year, birth month and then birth day. For me born the fifth of June 1979 have a personnummer that starts with 790605. Then we have the important last four digits. Well, three of them are just to make sure two people wont have the same number but the last one indicate sex. Even numbers for women and odd numbers for men.
This personnummer is the written on your drivers license, in your passport, on your journals, in every database ever keeping track of you like in schools, at work, in most clubs and organisations.
To get a new personnummer you have to do a 2-5 year long inquisition that is lead by a physiatrist. When that is done that physiatrist will approve that you apply for a new personnummer. But to get the new personnummer you need to be castrated and had your SRS. For transmen the SRS is sort of optional but women has to do it. But we can apply for all that at the same time. As I did and that is why I’m here.
In the nearest hour I will be called into a room with the Legal Council and they have already got my papers and read them thru. dr. Andersson has already said that I am genuine and will pass. So this is just formalities.
Oh, thats another thing. Being genuine. That is what it is all about. For a transsexual to get a new personnummer and everything that comes with having paper telling the right gender you have to be “Genuinely Transsexual”. It is classified as a sickness. I have yet to meet a transsexual person that don’t find that term horrible. Are you genuine enough or a bit to false?
So everything you chase for during several years is to get the label genuine put on your papers. That can mess any insecure person up. That can mess any stable person up. Am I genuine enough? Will they see that I’m genuine? If I walk like this, will they discover I’m genuine sooner? Several years of trying to prove that you are genuine enough. The inquisition is made just to find the ones that are not and sort everyone out that has any faults and aren’t genuine enough.
I started my road to this room in may -05. In a matter of minute dr. Anderson will come and get me. We were three people here today. One woman that went in first and came back just 10 minutes later a minute ago. She came back absolutely radient. Now a man sit across for me and looking fairly calm but I guess he is as nervous as me.
Just to be here means your papers are in order. I will pass, I will get everything approved and as soon as the hospital will do my surgeries I will get my name and my identity. But never the less I am shaking and sweating. So much hard work to get here.
Now dr Anderson came and called for the quiet man infront of me. You can hear a couple of seconds before he comes because of a locked door with a code on it. Will it only take 10 mins for him too? I need to go to the bathroom. Should I wait or should I go? Why didn’t I bring my bottle with water? My mouth is dry. The xerox machine just quieted down. I want a cigarette. But I quit. Or did I just run out of them? I haven’t decide. It was a while ago so I guess I have quitted. As most I smoke one pack a month so it isn’t that easy to know when you stop and when you just don’t do it for a while.
The other man just came back. He is glowing like the brightest star. Took him only five minutes.
I just took a photo of myself here in the xerox room. Here it is:
Is it minutes or seconds left for my turn? How will it go? What will they say?
Now I hear the beep from someone pressing the code at the door. It is just seconds…
It seems like I’m not in the mood of writing about all the media apparences. It was fun. Most of them got it rather right. Of course a few minutes in a national TV-show wont tell my life story in a fair way. Even if I tell my life story in just a month I wont be fair.
I can feel a bit frustrated by the fact that we are portrayed as the couple with a love that strong it could survive anything. Even if I am very fond of Noa or love has at least the same levels of frustration, misunderstandings and stupid mistakes as anyone else I know.
But it has been really fun to do. The best part is everyone who have written to us and just said hi or told us their story. So very nice of all of you!
Here is a link to an article in Aftonbladet. The biggest newspaper in Sweden. Bigger isn’t always better but I love the family photo.
A year ago our Swedish Integration Board published a study about Swedish values in regards to other cultures. It showed that Swedes have the most different values of all countries. Or “atypical and deviant” as the study said. The values that we have that the study metioned was:
How we reject strong leaders and fights for representative democracy where the leaders truly listen to their voters.
How we wants everything to be open and accessible especially when it comes to political decision making.
We also had the worlds highest level of trust to others.
But they failed to mention how Melodifestivalen affects us as a people. If you are in a representative sample of Swedes and want to chit-chat and ask them what their team they support most people will laugh. Sport isn’t that big here. Some love it but most don’t. If you ask what church they attend most will say “none” and it will be sort of true. Religion is supposed to be a private matter and we often are described as a totally secularized country. In that matter I just want to add that even if people say no Swede goes to church we are described as a country where going to the movies are very common and there are more visitors to churches than to the movies so it isn’t entirely true that we have no church goers and most people are believers at heart, they just don’t go to church.
But if you ask that group what they think about this years Melodifestvalen contributions you will get some reaction from everyone. There will be four distinct groups. The one that are first to tell you that they hate it. They will later on still tell you what tunes they hate especially much and probably knows the lyrics to many of them. Then we have the group that tells you that they don’t really like it but the half-time show can be fun to watch and it will turn out that they watch every minute of it. Then there are always some who really don’t watch it. Then we have the final group, we who adore it. All gay men are assumed to be in this group and that is fairly true.
But no matter what group you are in every Swede has seen the Melodifestivalen many, many times. Many families have traditions of what to eat during it.
Until a couple of years ago there was only one show every year. Now we have a system with five parts before the big final show. Yesterday was one of them. Two winners from that show goes to the big show in Stockholm.
After the Stockholm winner has been televoted to success they go off to the big Eurovision Song Contest. When I was little we won that now and then but nowadays the eastern Europe does better there so we are more focused on the Swedish parts.
A big part of the Melodifestivalen are all the bad contributions. Either with people who can’t really sing or just doing something that was supposed to be crazy fun but just became crazy embarrassing. Without those contributios the Melodifestivalen wouldn’t be the same. Sometimes the absurd and strange songs wins. Last week was one of them times. No one could really believe it was true when this came on: (Don’t miss it when the dancers pull out flags from their ass in the end.)
Then we have the really good contributions that everyone just love for real. Yesterday was one of those times. Two identical twins that we just fell in love with immediately. They are known as backups singers to a childrens band in Sweden and they have worked with music in many ways for years but this was something new that we all loved and they immediately got a place in the big final:
The reason why Melodifestivalen are so lovable is because we both get to listen to our biggest stars and get to see new stars rising. It was this way ABBA became famous. Many times it isn’t about the winner, many stars has been born just by being on Melodifestivalen.
Before 2002 everyone had to sing in Swedish and then they translated the winning song to English to sing in the Eurovision Song Contest.
There are so many reasons to love Melodifestivalen. One is that it is so easy to dislike. There will always be several songs you just hate. There are always some really strange dance or clothing. Some really good parts besides the music, the glamour, the fun or beautiful half time shows, the perfect mix of newcomers and veterans in the game, the families and friends gathering is that when we look back on the winners we get such a nice journey through time.
To round this up I will do just that and you will get the Swedish and the English version of a schlager every Swedes knows and most in my age know every single word and nuance by Carola, one of our most famous Melodifestivalen artists. She has won it three times and one time she also won the whole Eurovision Song Contest. She had a contribution yesterday that wasn’t that good but here are the song Främling/Stranger the winner of Melodifestivalen 1983. First in Swedish and then English.
No pressure but if you want to make it in the gay scene in Sweden you just have to learn this:
Well, now I am off to a quaker meeting. I will tell you all more about that later. If anyone in the Umeå area is interested to know more about quakerism in Sweden you are welcome to Rågången 2C at 14.00 today Sunday Feb. 17.
(A short breakdown for you who likes this: Melodifestivalen are the words melodi (melody) and festival (festival) put together with the definite article “en” in the end. We like to do longer and longer words so the melody festival becomes melodifestivalen. In the same way we can make any word. The trans blogger becomes transbloggaren (bloggare swedish for blogger). We share many words in Swedish and English but the grammar is rather different)
Two days ago me and hubby was in my childhood local newspaper Norra Västerbotten and today we are in the largest national paper Aftonbladet. On Wednesday we will appear on national TV in an afternoon show called Go’kväll on SVT 1. Both the paper of today and the TV-show have an estimated number of readers/viewers of about 7-10% of the population here in Sweden.
The TV-show will most certainly get online but the articles are as far as I know not online.
So in a week, statistically every Swede will know at least a couple of persons that knows my story. But that is not the huge thing. The huge deal for me is that local paper. A small little paper with a circulation of less than 40k.
When I grew up I was deeply closeted and as soon as I finished the 9th grade and turned 16 I moved away to my sister who lived in the city I live in now. I didn’t keep in touch with anyone. I sort of disappeared. To be on the cover and get a spread in the paper that most of the people I grew up with reads is a big deal.
I know many transgendered people who move away from thier home as soon as they can afford it and never comes back. It is not only hard emotionally to transition around people you grow up with, it can be a very dangerous thing to. Even if most people can accept transgendered it is easier for people to understand when it is a stranger and not someone you already had a clear image of how they are.
For me, doing this article is coming out at home. When I go back people will get who I am. Last time I was up there I met several people who I really know that looked at me and only saw a stranger. I do no look at all as the person I grew up in.
When I come out as trans to people I have gotten to know the last couple of years they still see me and just add another background story. When I come out to person that only knew me as her it is a different story. Then they have to take someone that looks and sounds like a stranger and merge together with someone else. And it was always easier just to be the stranger. Now I’m not. And it feels pretty good.
It feels like the final piece in a bit extracted childhood puzzle.
Now I just have a thousand other parts of my life to be puzzled about. Right now I’m liking the pieces I have to play with. Things goes rather well at work. If anyone wants an audio bible go to voxbiblia.com and listen for free or buy something and I will be the one sending it to you. Even if it really doesn’t do any monetary difference for me my it does for my boss and since he might be the most supportive boss imaginable I want the most of success for him.
Having too much problems with Blogger. So I gave them up and moved on to wordpress. Hope yall find me here.
So blogging works so much better with studying and being a hermit than working as much as possible, being a media whore and trying to keep up with life.
Sorry about that.
In the following 6 days I will have two national and one local media thing. I still haven’t done any radio so I guess I will keep on until then. Can’t really stop until I’ve done it all…
Well I have to go back to work but I will give you a tip of how to both support a good cause and get something nice and naked to look at: The UK transactivist organisation Press for Change has done a fabulous calendar with FtM:s.
I have had some serious problems with Blogger. One post disappeared and another changed in a weird way. Sorry about that.
On another blog I found my way to this list from Eric Zorn with things he have learned during his 50 years of life.
I got inspired and tried to do a list of my own. Even if I haven’t lived very long yet it seemed fun. If I’m as young and dumb as I suspect I will have a lot of fun in 22 years when I can do a list as long as his.
If don’t even you know yourself it’s very hard for others to get to know you.
To learn to accept the things you cannot change and to get the courage to change the things you can takes wisdom that needs hard work. With that kind of work many failures will come along your way. But without it failure might be all you get.
Dream about your future. That makes for a good start when figuring out what is realistic to do with your time.
Keep track of your many dreams for your future. If you do so you will get surprised by how many that comes true.
Learn how to do one fine dinner from scratch every year. Something you haven’t cooked before. Anyone can learn to cook one fine dinner in one year and after a couple of years you have a lot to choose from if you want or need to cook. If you don’t cook you still have given your creativity a boost.
Learn the basic chemistry of the human body. You are a lot more than just hormones and chemistry but if you learn about them hormones you will get a short cut to the rest of yourself.
Dance more often! It is never to late and always to little. If it is in ballroom at a castle, on a club or in your room with closed curtains makes little difference. The importance lies in getting to know en enjoy your body.
Throw or give away one piece of clothing for every new one you buy.
To become angry, sad, disappointed and mad is easy but it takes a lot of practice and analyzing to get good at it. To keep a journal to write in during the peak of such emotions and go back when your are in a good place is a very effective way of learning how you really work.
Focus on finding the questions that you carry instead of finding their answers. You’ll get farther than you think by just knowing what you wonder about. However, focusing on finding the answers will certainly slow you down.
If you can read this, you are more rich and more educated than most people in the world.
Wisdom and close friends might be the most valuable things in life. None of them can be bought or forced, but both will come for free if you work on being honest, open, trustworthy and admit your mistakes and learn from them. Note that you don’t have to succeed in all that, just really work on it.
Lists makes things seem easier then they really are. Without lists things often gets harder then they really are.
Write a really honest journal at least once in a while. If you’re to paranoid/disappointed/scared to keep it then destroy it after you’ve written it. The process of writing is the important part.
You are more beautiful than you think you are.
Most of the people in the world think where you live and how you live are exotic and foreign.
Take care of your health. It is so much easier taking care of an existing one than buying a new one later.
Family is much more than just blood bonds. It is living together sharing life and usually gets better the more you do just that, live and share.
Being normal is not normal. Very few people are what is looked upon as normal.
Make a budget and stick to it. Keeping track of your money really is worth it. It takes to much time later on not doing it.
Understand that most of the times you run away you’re trying to run away from yourself.
During the state of fear the brain isn’t physically able to think critically
Lies will bring loneliness.
Honesty, respect and openness will open doors and bring you to very interesting places.
Both living in the way that is right for you and in ways that are wrong for you are both exhausting but in different ways. But only one of them brings freedom.
When people talk about others being embarrassing or ridiculous it tells you nothing but how ashamed they are themselves.
Do listen to your elders. Life teaches good lessons and they have much knowledge you might need. It takes to long to figure out life on your own.
Listen to yourself.
So Blogger might file this away too but if you got to here. I wish you a very interesting new year!
I can feel a bit frustrated by the fact that we are portrayed as the couple with a love that strong it could survive anything. Even if I am very fond of Noa or love has at least the same levels of frustration, misunderstandings and stupid mistakes as anyone else I know.
Alex. Resare